Tuesday Morning

It's Tuesday Morning.

I wake up. It's 6:30 am. I have class in 30 minutes. I feel sluggish. It's not one of my days. I feel heavy, probably because I am. I lay in bed for 20 minutes. I decide I am not going to go. It's not worth it. I'll just go later tonight. I go back to sleep.

It's 11:00 am. I finally wake up again. I feel worse than I did before. I don't have any classes till 5:15 so there's no point in waking up. I just lay there thinking. I'm so lazy how come I can't just get out of bed? They say the most successful people wake up early. That makes sense i'm not very successful. I finally crawl out of bed. No one is home. That's good I don't really want to talk to anyone right now. I  don't want to do anything. I don't know why I feel like this. My life is great. I have people who love me, I have so many opportunities, yet I feel like I am failing.

I finally go eat some food, I need to get out and go do something so I can get out of this funk. Staying home isn't going to solve anything. I go take a shower. It helps, at least for the time being. I go to campus and pretend to be busy. I don't know what I am doing. I try to do homework, but I can't focus. So I just waste time on ESPN, because at least that helps me forget about the failures. 

It's finally 5;15 I get to class. It's a beginning class for my major that I should of taken four or five semesters ago. All it does is remind me of how behind I am in my life. There are 18 year old kids in here who are farther ahead than me. What am I doing with my life? Why can't I get it straight? Why can't I settle on a major? I'm stuck. I hate it. I finally get done with class and then I head home. I have a couple hours till my flag football game. That should be a bright spot. Overall the day hasn't really been bad, I don't have anything to complain about but I feel like shit. I have this empty feeling in my chest I can't stand it. I have to keep a smile on because that is what is expected of me, and honestly faking it might be one of the only reasons I am still here. 

The game was fun, I feel my best when I am around a lot of people. Most of the time. After the game everyone goes their separate ways. I wish I had someone to go off with. That's okay I tell myself. My time will come. At least that is what people keep telling me. I wouldn't mind a girlfriend though, could be cool. Nah I'm not ready for a girlfriend. I'm not good enough right now. 

It's the end of the day, I have about two hours till all my hw is due, I decide to get a zero on one assignment. I don't know why I always put stuff off till the end. I'm so stupid sometimes. Why can't I just get my life together. I need to step it up. It's 11:00 pm. I decide to go to bed. I can't sleep so I watch some netflix, but most of it just reminds me of how bad I am doing at my life. I don't get why I have all these troubles. Why me right? God must have some plan for me. I want to help people but I am doing a bad job at that too.

It's about 2:00 am. I need to go to sleep I am exhausted, but I can't fall asleep. Thoughts about bills, grades, girls, life choices and career paths haunt me. I can't breathe. I can't escape the emptiness. I put on my headphones to listen to a podcast. Sports are my escape, something that can make me feel better and at least let me get my mind off of my life. 

So you want to know what depression is like? It's like being in quicksand. It's like trying to progress but you're on a treadmill. People tell you all the time life is great, you're amazing, you're funny, but none of that matters because you know that you're just a failure. People tell you, "you decide if you're happy!" and yes that's true to a point but to be honest I would love to be happy all the time, but unfortunately i'm not. It sucks. It's really a shitty way to live.

I am lucky, I have managed to overcome most of the depression I have in my life. I am really happy in my life. I have days where I struggle, like above, but overall I am so very blessed. The thing that has helped me more in my life than anything is knowing that God has a plan for me, and that I am of great worth not just to Him, but to my Family and Friends. I know what it's like to look into the eyes of someone who thinks they almost lost you. I wrote this post because I have heard some sad news of some people who ended up taking their lives. How heartbreaking. I wish I could of been there for them. I was so lucky when I was a teenager to have people there who helped me. I was able to make it through. My goal is to one day make sure everyone in the world has someone there for them. Every single person in this world has something to offer. No one deserves to feel alone and without love. 

I am going to share a suicide hotline, if you know anyone or if you yourself are feeling like you just can't take it anymore than please call this number. You matter too much to someone. You matter to me. 

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 1-800-273-TALK 


Last of all. Friends and Family, please don't read this and think I am in trouble. Yes I have day's tougher than others, but I am happy. I have too much to live for. I have to many people that need my help. I love you all. Check out these awesome organizations and non profits that help suicide prevention, and teenage depression! They are some of my favorites, run by inspired people!

http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

Here are some sites for information that can help you detect depression early!

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/teen-suicide/art-20044308

http://www.apa.org/research/action/suicide.aspx

No is such an ugly word.

ASDLKGHLJKSD!!! (That's how I was feeling earlier today)

I am frustrated. I won’t lie to you. I am frustrated, I am angry, I am sad. I am a whole bowl of emotions. Don’t worry I have plenty of happiness and joy. I hate the word no. I do, I hear it plenty every day and I hate it. I hate when things don’t go the way I want them to. It pisses me off. I guess you could say I like to be in control. Yet sometimes I have no choice. I have found that sometimes in life the answer no is presented to us. We have something beautiful in our life, and that is to choose whether no becomes a negative, or a positive. I have too often in my life let no become a negative. I have let it fester inside of me like some disease. I am like most people I have been told no plenty, but unfortunately I have chosen to let no be something that drags me down and tells me that I am no longer good enough. Well.. I am here to tell you that NO longer will that be the case!

I am doing summer sales right now and I won’t lie to you. It is really hard. It might be one of the hardest things that I have ever done. All day I have people tell me no, I can’t do it, no I don’t want it. It wears on you. Yet what I have learned is that 10, 20, hell even a 100 no’s are worth it for that one yes. When you get that yes you’re on cloud nine. Those few yes’s a day make the no’s totally worth it.

 I imagine it’s the same with love right? I mean all I have gotten in that department is no, well except for the tinder match I got last week (holla holla for a dolla!) Anyways I imagine that love is the same way. No, Dennis, you are far too beautiful for me to date. No, Dennis, you are way too talented and loving for me. No, Dennis, I can’t date you because you’re a dimepiece and I am only a nine. I have heard it all in my day. It’s tough really and clearly all those examples are true (false). All I know is that it gets tiring. The whole dating scene get’s tiring. Anyways this isn’t a love blog so let me get to the point. I recently got told no in the love department (imagine a plane crashing into a pit of angry rattlesnakes). It sucked but I have a new plan. I am going to take that no and use it to fuel me. I am going to use that no as motivation to find my yes. Just like I use each no I get in sales to knock one more door so I can get a yes. I am going to use each no in life to find that yes, because dammit I deserve it. We all do. We all deserve to find the yes’s in our life. Whether it be for love, or work, or school, or whatever we all deserve a yes. I know I will get mine, and you will get yours too.

SO to wrap up this up no doesn’t mean you give up, it doesn’t mean you stop trying, it means no.. don’t give up keep going because your yes is just around the corner.

Why New Years Resolutions Matter.

It happens every year. Every year we get that newfound desire to change and become better. We all do it, we all make resolutions. They may be public announcements on Facebook, or small private goals that we make to ourselves. We all try to change. That’s why New Years Resolutions matter, because we all are reevaluating our lives and who we are and who we want to become. Change is a good thing. Reflection is a good thing. This is a time of year for us to look inwards, and ask ourselves are we where we want to be? When I stop looking inside and stop trying to change for the better, is the day I have given up. Now I am not saying that we should all make resolutions at the beginning of the year, and that this is the only time to do it. No rather I am saying the idea behind it is amazing, it’s human, it’s proof that we are always evolving and growing. The day that we stop trying to become better people is the day that we have lost. It’s the day that you say to all of those people who have doubted you, “you’re right, I can’t do it.” It’s the day that you throw away everything that you have worked so hard for. Don’t let that day come. Don’t ever stop trying to be better. You can always be better. Sometimes we make goals and we fail to reach them, I know I do, in fact weekly I fail, but failing is better than not trying at all. If I fail a class I have some options presented to me, I can choose to let that motivate me to be better. I can choose to let that drag me down and control my life, or I can choose to not care. Don’t choose that. I pledge to never give up, I know that many of you may not care, and that’s fine but I just want you to know that if I can do it then so can you.

I hope that everyone has a great year, and that you make goals, and that you reach those goals. I hope that you can grow, and that I can grow. I hope that we as a society can be good human beings, that we can throw aside differences and just in general be nice to each other. I hope great things happen in 2015 for you, I hope that it’s a year that you never forget and I hope that it’s better than 2014, but not as good as 2016. Have a great year everyone!